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I was feeling all smug in my column-ness. Sheryl and company
had dropped by, with comics. AJ was a reviewer, so I figured
she’d get to review a bunch of comics, and I could read over
her shoulder. Or try to at least, she hates that. It’s ok if she
reads over my shoulder when I’m writing, though. Women!
Whoops, I normally just think that in silent frustration. I would
delete that and save myself a bunch of trouble, but I lost my
white-out a decade ago, and I’m too lazy to hit the backspace.
Anyway, suddenly, I was to pick a comic, and review it.
Beyond that, I had a gift of another comic that I wanted - and I
had to review that one too! How was I going to put all this off
until the last minute, like I normally do, with all that work? Don’t
worry, somehow I did.
If you don’t like my reviews, just remember, they have no effect
on my column. I was made to do this under duress. Sheryl has
a bullwhip. She also has some very - err -
revealing pictures of me. I don’t want them on the cover of
Collector Times. I’m a good slav...umm...writer boy. See Sheryl?
OK. Now to business. The long awaited (or if you’re not
awaiting it, you might have clicked on the wrong link - if that’s
the case, go back and read last month’s article, and wait a few
days. If you don’t want to read this one, then you may do that
just to get it over with) sequel to last month's ramble.
Parents, this is for you.
How to Tell Your Kids that You Roleplay (or, How Being a
Parent is like Being a GM).
So, you’ve just been caught by your kid. You don’t want to
lose any parent points, and seem cool, or that great stiff and
mature parent image. Bite back the first thing that comes to your
mind. Your kid is probably smart enough to know that twenty
sided dice aren’t some sort of weird mah-jongg tiles.
Maybe you haven’t been caught yet, but are either worried you
might be, or want to prepare for the future. I suggest playing at
someone else’s house and pretending it’s overtime.
Or, maybe, you’re bored. Well, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m bored too. At least, by the time you read this, I will be.
Oh yeah, and if you’re a kid, you can stop reading right now.
Why? Because I told you so, and I’m not your parent.
Therefore, by some odd twist of logic, you have to obey me.
Or not.
As usual, the points aren’t in any particular order, because I’m
too lazy to sort them out. If I think it’s important, I’ll let you
know. If you think it should be in a different place, copy and
paste it to a text file and print it out for yourself. I prefer to
highlight the screen. The only negative side-effect to this is
waking up at three AM and seeing your computer glowing a
strange radioactive yellow-green. I’m working on this. I prefer
orange.
- In the game of life, you are the GM. This is one of the most
important things about being a parent. Even those parents
who think that RP stands for Ralph Patterson get the drift.
You control almost every aspect of your children’s (or s’ if
you’re really a sadist) lives, and can make the rules as you
go along. You’re kinda like a real life god or goddess.
Well, maybe not, but at least you can cop the attitude with
your kids. If you’re not sure how to go about this, get a cat.
Treat your kids the same way, but without the hairballs or
going into heat. As such, they will quickly accept anything
they tell you at face value. Never underestimate the power
of pure intimidation. It gives you power. Then you use it
giving you more. It’s the fun rechargeable batteries of real,
but they don’t cost as much as the real thing (unless you feed
and clothe them).
- Use tired clichés. Unless your kids are too young to
understand whatever language you speak (and even then,
it’s a great time to practice), you’ve done this before about
other things. Or if you’re reading this, maybe not. It’s best
to start with the easy stuff. "Don’t talk back" and "Respect
your elders" works wonders not only training your children,
but also yourself. Given enough time, you can say things like
"Don’t do as I do, do as I say," with a straight face. When
you get real good, you can even start making up your own.
Feel like a DJ of the English language, and mix some
metaphors. Not only will the confused looks you get from
your kids do wonders when you show the pictures to their
loves-to-be later on in life, but it will also confuse them from
the issue, that you just got caught roleplaying.
- Play favorites. Parenting in essence is similar to GMing, so
why not use one of the favorite GM tips? (Hint: this usually
works best if you have more than one offspring, your one
offspring has multiple personalities, or they have a friend that
you feed and spend enough time with they might as well be
one of your offspring). All kids develop a serious distrust of
the parent’s pet. Work with your loved one, or even your
spouse, and have them pick a different one. The neuroses
and confusion that will naturally result will not only prevent
you to having to explain to your kids that you roleplay, but
might even land you a lucrative spot on a daytime talk show
(or if you don’t get any money, at least you’ll come away
with a few bruises and less of that annoying dignity stuff).
- Lie. There’s nothing like giving your kids an early start in a
well-paying field, like law or politics. Hey, maybe they’ll be
a nationally known telemarketer. The more false emotions
you pour into it, the more obvious it is you’re lying, the more
you’re likely to confuse that right/wrong stuff. Next thing
you know, they might start watching C-Span to see the real
professionals. As a side note, if you have some of that ugly
moral stuff, use sarcasm with lying. After all, you can say
something that’s totally untrue, but with the right tone in your
voice, it’s not lying. Most kids won’t even know what it is.
**Important addition** Sarcasm won’t confuse teenagers.
- Whine. Kids do it all the time. Lines like "But Joey’s
parents are doing it, why can’t I?" While completely
useless, they can be amusing just for the reaction.
- Five words: Blackmail (ok, maybe that’s a few less. Just
repeat it a couple of times). Remind your son that time you
didn’t tell his father that you caught him fencing with the 200
dollar fishing pole (or however much would be a lot for one
of those things). Remind your daughter that you won’t tell
her mother that you were out all night playing cards with
your friends and not working overtime (well, that might not
work, but you get the point). Blackmail gives you a sense of
excitement, and if your kids become professionals later on in
life, you might be able to get some of that nice money away
from them. Either that, or sell the movie rights.
- Sentence completion. Remember last month’s article?
Well, neither do I, because I have no memory. Neither
should you, because you’re a parent (unless you just had to
break it to your kids’ grandparents. Ouch, I don’t envy
you). It goes something like this:
Kid: What’s all this stuff - you don’t role...
You, interrupting: Yes, I have to roll with the double blow of
your flunking out of your classes and misbehaving all the time
at home.
Kid, flustered: But - I’m doing grea---
You, interrupting again: Great at fooling your teachers.
Look at you, you’re not going to make anything of yourself
unless you march yourself out of this room and read "The
Red Pony."
Kid: But - but -
You: Excuses are what got you to this dismal state. Talk to
the hand!
Ehh, or something like that. Sentence interruption is great
fun when you’re a parent, because if they start to make a
smart comment, tell them "Don’t you talk that way to me"
and if they try to interrupt you, say "Don’t interrupt your
parent when they’re talking!" It can give you a sense of
power in your otherwise dismally controlled life (unless
you’re a gm, or your parents pulled a number 4 on you).
- Conform. This is a tough one, and I only recommend it if
you truly feel that odd love sensation to your offspring (liking
the band doesn’t count). It involves a lot of work, and you
pretty much have to adopt much of their culture and attitude.
If you bred your kids for manual labor, like most sensible
people, you might want an earlier suggestion. If you had
kids because you like pain, then you’ve already chosen this
one. Be a cool parent. They’ll think roleplaying is cool and
not a parent thing (you know, roleplaying with those weird
antiquated devices - a pencil and paper. Dice that aren’t
on a bot! Amazing!). You’ll be the object of jealousy
among their friends, and their friends parents will both dislike
you for making their kids whine, and envy your freedom.
Your kids will roleplay, they’ll develop mentally,
emotionally, and might end up writing humor articles for a
gaming magazine for lots of money. Or maybe even for a
comic book magazine, out of the goodness of their heart.
- Wow, you made it this far. I know that being parents, you
hate the idea of listening to someone else that isn’t paying
you, but your perseverance has paid off. This is your spot
to shine. You can put in your own suggestion. Or even a
bunch, and label them as subsections of this one. Not a
single person will ever see it, but you and maybe a few
others, so go wild! I’ll post the favorite ones that I haven’t
seen sometimes.
- As opposed to number 8, assimilate them. Threaten them
with required readings of the Red Pony (or make them read
it so many times that their brain takes on the consistency of
three week old jello lost in the back of the fridge), and get
them to join your roleplaying group. It’ll be great. If you’re
strong enough to do this, then you’ve already kept them in
line. It’s only another step in the right direction to be their
GM too. They’ll obey you, and side with you against the
other adult players. The adult players won’t like them,
because they’ll think that you favor your children (little do
they know), so they’ll focus their annoyed energies against
them. Soon, your kids will wear clothing like you did
(maybe something in plaid, with a hood), and listen to the
same decades old stuff that you liked as a kid, you know,
stuff from the 80s.
**Important note** This author is in no way responsible for
anything you say in number 9. If you have any problems with
this, call my toll free number at 1800YOUR~GM.
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