|
Allow me to first say that this is one of the
worst comics that I have EVER read. That really
is saying something, considering how many comics
I’ve read.
My roommate had to come look over my shoulder
while I was reading this comic to see why I was
laughing so hard. My roommate, Tasha, is the
infamous "weird black chick on campus that wears a
cloak." To quote my roommate upon reading this
comic, " This is the worst English that I’ve seen
outside of the ghetto, and I should know." Future
note to the writer -- "bidness" is what you do on
E-bay.
Not only is the English atrocious, the art is even
worse. I swear to God I could draw better than
this if I were drunk off my ass, and I’ve never
been drunk before in my life. It looks like
someone colored this at the last minute with a
crayon and then pasted it together chunkily in a
bad Photoshop cut. From the poses of the
characters, it looks like the artist has never
been in the same state as an anatomy book. The
print quality is so poor in some places that you
can’t read the text. You can even tell where the
printers used the lowest quality JPEG possible, as
the edges are fuzzy and jagged. Of course, the
Comic Sans font was used, cause otherwise you’d
have no idea that this was a comic. You’d think
that if they went to all the trouble and expense
to print this in color on very nice paper, they’d
have spent the time and effort on decent print
quality. The art is enough to make you want to
cry. The question becomes which reason do your
cry for -- because of the pain that it’s inflicting
on your eyes or from how hard you’re laughing? I
think in my case it was from the laughter.
Now, I’m sure you all want to know what on earth
is the story behind this wretched thing. If not,
tough luck -- you’re going to hear it because I had
to read it.
Mel and his brother or friend (it’s not quite
clear) Johnny are busy selling drugs to get themselves
out of the hood. Yah, that’ll get you out all
right -- in the back of a cop car. Mel walks up to
sell drugs to two thugs and they bash him over the
head. No prompting, no provoking, just "Hey, want
some crack?" "SMASH!" (or more accurately,
"Kerr-rrak!", which is no onomatopoeia that I’ve
ever seen). Gotta love the explanation here. They
then take him to the laboratory of Bald Mad
Doctor Nazi, who puts him in a tank of green goop
for no reason whatsoever. Oh, wait, he says he’s
restoring the Nazi Regime. With a black guy. Yeah,
that’s real Nazi like. The green goop turns Mel
into a superman-giant of sorts and dissolves his
pupils into nothingness. Mel manages to escape the
Mad Doctors (after he "feel the power", and
apparently gets in touch with the hidden Black
Panther side of him). The Mad Doctor then sends
his thugs -- who also have never been anywhere near
true human anatomy -- to get Mel back. They don’t
even have faces, just really fierce gashes in
their heads. The thugs kidnap Mel’s mother and
Johnny, cause you’re not really a superhero until
your family goes missing, for that little dash of
ANGST! Mel goes to his scientist friend, Charles
Jones. Charles was taken in by Mel’s mother when
his own parents kicked him out and he owes her.
So, Charles gives Mel this UBER GAY (comment from
roommate: "And not the GOOD kind of GAY") costume.
It’s made of a special metal alloy and can take a
small missile blast. (I’m not going to even ask
why the page is sideways -- it’s not that hard to lay
out a page properly, people.) But dig this, Mel
doesn’t want the matching helmet because he
doesn’t want to look totally ridiculous. I’ve got
a little news flash for Mel: It’s waaaaaaaay too
late for that. You’ve got man-boobs and you’re
wearing tights. You’d fit in fine at the Gay Pride Day Parade.
So he goes to save his
mom from Bald Mad Doctor Nazi (who has now
obtained Evil Nazi Veins on his head) and
discovers that Johnny is dead and in a tube, which
ups the Angst Factor to Eyerolling. The "comic"
(and I use this term very loosely) ends with Mel
about to bargain with Vein Head.
I thought after I’d finished the comic I was in
the clear. Then I decided to read the back of the
comic. Allow me to reproduce it here for you:
"Do You Wanna Kiss?
Sure ya do! Especially if it’s from Kiss Me
Comix! Let our books Serenade and Bountyhunter
take you to a totally new level of reading
entertainment! Entertainment that’s far above
industry standards! Compare us to what’s out
there, and see if we aren’t that breath of fresh
air! Our art and coloring styles, solid story is
what makes KMC unique! And the freshest thing in
comics! We don’t play by the rules! Cause of we
did then we’d giving you art and stories that’s
already out there! KMC strives each and every
issue to bring you the best! We put a new twist
on tradition! We don’t follow standards, instead
KMC creates our own standards. Why? To keep you
entertained and coming back for more! Change is
good! Stay in a path too long it becomes a rut!
Find a new path in KMC! We invite you to check us
out and see for yourself! We have a look and feel
all our own, and that’s why KMC will be around for
a VERY LONG TIME!!!"
And now for the Sidra-Tasha commentary:
Sidra: You don’t play by the rules?! You mean
the rules of the English language, right? Because
if that’s what you’re talking about, then indeed,
you don’t follow the rules.
"Cause of we did then we’d giving you art and
stories that’s already out there!" Sidra looks
over and sees Tasha laying on the floor twitching,
because the English major portion of her brain
just broke.
"Change is good!"
Oh good god (or goddess if you prefer), change is
very good. Let me recommend that you have someone
spell and grammar check your comic before you ship
it to the publisher. Additionally, someone needs
to take lessons in how to draw the human form,
because the anatomy in this book is just painful
to look at.
Now I’ll hand this portion over to Tasha:
A breath of fresh air? Oh, you’re a breath of
something alright, but I was thinking more along
the lines of formaldehyde -- something that knocks
the average person right out.
With all these exclamation points I really have to
wonder if you just don’t know about the period key
or if you’re trying to hit me over the head.
"Our art and coloring styles, solid story is what
makes KMC unique!" Uniquely crappy.
"Stay in a path too long it becomes a rut!" If
this is change, I’ll stay in the rut. Apparently
the rut understands basic grammar.
"We don’t follow standards, instead KMC creates
our own standards." Please, please follow
standards. Your own aren’t cutting it.
"KMC will be around for a VERY LONG TIME!!!" I
didn’t know three weeks was a long time. Oh, wait,
I’ve got it. Your demographic is three year olds.
And they expect me to pay three bucks for this? I
can get some Archie for that, and at least then I
know that the art won’t make my eyes cry blood.
|