By Peter Saint Divine*

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21st):
Kris Kringle accidentally gives you someone else's presents including a 3D Hannah Montana DVD because you just had to leave him your uncle's "special" brownies.

Capricorn (Dec. 22nd- Jan. 10th):
You were very bad this year. You will find your stocking stuffed with comics this year just like you asked. That's only because old comics by Rob Liefeld go for about 50 cents apiece and in today's economy are far cheaper and more emotionally damaging than coal.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18):
Your crazy grandmother who thinks you're six years old will send you pink bunny pajamas. Yes, you'll have to wear them.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20):
Your life really sucks right now. You'll get your wish and not exist. Only you'll find out you were right and the world really is better off without you. Though if you're lucky, that'll be enough for you to want to come back into being.

Aries (March 21- April 19):
Around midnight Christmas Eve you will realize they no matter how many times you Checked, you forgot one person on your list. In a rage they egg your house. You send your minions to crush them so you do not make the same mistake next year.

Taurus (April 20th- May 20th):
Listen to the first three ghosts but when the one who looks like he's dressed up for the next World Discworld Convention shows up, don't follow him.

Gemini (May 21st- June 20th):
You will get plastered and fall asleep watching Football. When you awaken somebody will have turned the channel over to "Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July."

Cancer (June 21st- July 22nd):
You will find out that yes, not only is there a Santa but he's the guy who stole your car. Too bad about the diplomatic immunity.

Leo (July 23rd- August 22nd):
You have been very good this year. Santa will bring you everything you asked for and more. You may even need to ask for a new home just to make room for all of your loot.

Libra (Sept. 23rd- October 22nd):
Upon delivering all your presents, your heart will jump to three sizes too big. You should have listened to your mother and laid off the green eggs and ham.

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd- Nov. 21st):
You will wake very disappointed this holiday season when you realize that due to a spelling error on your wish list, you did not receive the DVD you requested, but the make your own Batman sweater kit "The Dark Knit."

* Editor's Note: Jesse Willey

Dear Readers,

Due to some errors on my computer beyond my control a draft with the astrological sign Virgo was accidentally sent off. Since the editor did not catch this, I was not alerted until a reader pointed it out me. Hopefully, a lack of the knowing what your future, now the past, would hold did not mean you caught an odd deceases usually only found in reindeer.

For those of you interested in this note anyway, the prediction for Virgo was:

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd):
That cup of yellow fluid your dad put in the cooler in the garage that you gave to Santa wasn't filled with lemonade. That's okay, that nice bowl he left for you wasn't filled with pudding.



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Text Copyright © 2008 Jesse N. Willey

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